Have you ever been afraid of getting too close in relationships?
As human beings, it is one of our deepest desires to be in relationship with others. Proximity is what gives us asense of belonging, and nurtures a strong sense of self. On the other hand, isolation is one of the worst things for someone who is struggling. Left alone to deal with our own negative spiral can feel like losing touch with reality. However, when we are struggling, we are often drawn to isolating ourselves. I'll tell you why.
Why isolation sounds like a good idea
When we feel depressed, negative feelings about ourselves come to mind and heart. Emotional pain, and often physical pain, accompanies this along with generalized awareness orunderlying feeling of unworthiness. This unworthiness leads us to think that we are wrong, inherently or because of something we have done. (Even if we can't figure out what it is.)
The burden is so heavy on our hearts and we feel incredibly vulnerable. We have the idea that contacting someone would be abig baleabout them, or that they would be disappointed or angry with us. We thought it was a sign of weakness, or thatyou can start to depend on someoneand that would make useven more vulnerable.
Or that they could hurt us if they knew. Nothing is safe when you are vulnerable. We think that if we felt that they care, we would become more needy and dependent, falling off the cliff of sanity.
"What if I lose it?"
Have you ever thought of one of these:
- If we got closer and she found out who I wasIn factI am, I, of course, would lose it.
- No one would want me once they see the darkness inside.
- What if he couldn't be patient enough for me?
- O,And if she died?
We cannot bear to lose them for any reason.
You have to be alone or you will go crazy knowing that you can lose them,says our fear
For all these reasons and more, we isolate ourselves, doubling our burden. Loneliness pierces our hearts ten times swollen with pain.
The same thing we're doing to tryprotect us: do not come near,Esseparating us.
Isolation is not protection. it is suffering
We need people. People need people because we are social beings. It is in connection that we can find peace. Regarding this, we can see others clearly. Related to this, we are grounded enough to see ourselves and our situations from another perspective.
Always choose the connection. Even if you don't tell people what's going on inside of you, hanging out with them can help you get out of yourself. It takes your mind off. Sometimes we think it's lonely to be with people who don't really know our problems. Sometimes we get very angry when“we have to pretend” that we are finewhen we are not. But it is you who decides to pretend, so as not to be a victim of it. Stop thinking that you are.
After reading this, please do not choose a person who is abusing you to approach. If you are afraid of approaching a person who mistreats you, listen to yourself. That is your wisdom speaking.
Otherwise, come closer, allow yourself, because then you will feel better.
Have you ever been afraid to get close to someone?
Label: fear of getting too close
Lobozzo, J. (October 9, 2013). Fear of getting too close to someone, Healthy Place. Retrieved March 18, 2023 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2013/10/fear-of-getting-too-close
Autor: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
what women fear
Do goodbyes scare you?
July 17, 2022 at 9:09 p.m.
That was so pointless. I wanted to know how I could help myself, without hearing that it's all in my head. That's why I have trust issues in the first place.
August 8, 2019 at 10:36 p.m.
Although it's quite late, I just found this and I think it helped me a bit.
I am a fourteen year old woman and I thought that keeping people at a distance would make everything better, if I suppressed my emotions and told myself that they were just thoughts, then maybe I would feel better... But it wasn't like that, I feel like no matter what's going on, no matter who I'm with… I can't tell them anything because it would overwhelm them and I would be a problem. Something very big happened in my life recently and suddenly I felt that I couldn't be with anyone anymore, I broke up with my partner, I left friends and suddenly I was even more closed than ever, my stepfather left us after seven years and about a week later she went after my mom's best friend who was practically my aunt...she has kids and it seems like she's replacing us...i felt like after that and even now, i'm really scared to let someone in, or to talk to someone ... I feel like I'm alone in this world of billions.
Tanya J. Peterson, MS, NCC
August 13, 2019 at 10:38 am
I'm glad you seek help and find useful information. Another very important source is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/or 1-800-273-8255). They are there to help and have information about local resources and support groups. Given what you've described, it's natural to feel so alone. You are not alone and you can not only see this but also create meaningful relationships. Start with the most important relationship of all: the one you have with yourself.
November 16, 2018 at 11:21 am
I don't know how to explain this, but sometimes I like to go out with my friends and sometimes I can't stand them. new people.
I live with my grandmother and she is the most special person in my life.
sometimes I have strange thoughts about what I would do if something happened to her, that she would be alone and those thoughts really scared me.
November 16, 2018 at 2:14 p.m.
Sometimes I have similar thoughts, so I think I can understand what you mean.
I would never say that I can't stand my friends, even if I don't want to hang out with them, and I don't think you can stand them either. I think you just want to be alone. Some people, including you and me, have a much lower threshold than most when it comes to how much social interaction they can handle at one time. That's not a bad thing, some people are like that. It's only troublesome (and unfortunate) if your friends don't understand why you need some time for yourself. This is something you have to explain to them and hope they understand.
Meeting new people is also very difficult. But you must not let that fear make you withdraw completely into yourself. Take it easy and realize that it's okay not to meet dozens and dozens of people. The important thing is not to know a lot of people, but to have people close enough to give you the support you need.
With your grandmother, it seems that you have that support. I am also very close to my family, so I am also worried that one day they will not be like they are now. But that should give you an added incentive to try to reach out to people outside of your family. Don't blame yourself if it takes too long. Will be worth.
November 17, 2018 at 6:31 am
Thank you for your understanding and advice. I really needed that and you're right I would never say I can't stand them because it's not their fault if they don't understand me sometimes. become introverted.
August 29, 2018 at 12:34 pm
Hi, I've been experiencing this for as long as I can remember. I am an only child and my extended family was torn apart by divorce and my own parents were separated due to abuse and domestic violence. I totally blocked my childhood and adolescence because it was so emotionally painful that it was hard to make friends at that time. I still feel extremely lonely and I am in my early twenties. I'm afraid to date someone because I don't have a family. I go weeks without affection I often get hurt when I was 19 or 21 and I've been clean for a year I'm afraid to get close to someone because I don't want an abusive person in my life I feel like a burden to the little friends I have and everyone gets They moved so I don't know what to do.
November 20, 2015 at 11:13 p.m.
I see this was written a few months ago, but I know what it's like to be afraid of making friends... keeping friends... having your heart broken. I isolate myself many times because I feel like my friends and family ENJOY life, and I'm going to tear them down.
I try to go to gym classes, dog park, etc... here, where I live and am happiest. When I'm inside, I'm in a zillion pieces. Whenever someone "approaches" I know they'll realize that at first glance...or with a few conversations, I'm "fine", "fine" and "fine". After they get to know me, they will realize that I am not like them. My life is a series of disbelief.
I find it easier not to have to explain... to a lot of people. I guess they wouldn't "understand".
There are "friends" on my FB page that I used to spend countless HOURS with when I was little or when I worked for the county, or when I was in school (grad school) or college or high school and we NEVER spoke in person. the phone. They rarely exchange messages or comments on each other's posts. Some of them were very close friends...at one time.
I think we move on, move on and make new friends at our new jobs...etc. It's hard for me to remember what it's like to have friends. I've met some new ones and I'm trying to cultivate and MAINTAIN the ones I really like. They are great people. But I feel like they won't understand... they won't want to be around someone who isn't always "happy" and upbeat.
They may or may not be related to what I'm going through, but I don't even trust them enough to tell them. I don't want to be criticized or separated from the "group" for being too needy, too lonely, too isolated, too sad... too negative. So I'm always on my guard when I'm going to do something with them. Fear of standing out... different in a bad way. They are NOT the problem, I am. I don't want to be rejected
November 20, 2015 at 7:16 p.m.
I had to be isolated to begin with. After spending so much time alone and becoming a prisoner, even when the door is open, it can be scary to leave. I used to be so confident and sure of myself. I know I have clinical depression, but that's about it. The mental health system is in crisis. I went to my doctor and told him that I had regular intrusive suicidal thoughts and was told there was nothing I could do. I have been having these thoughts since April of this year. I need it to stop and am doing everything I can to see CPN support worker OTs. I just want to improve
November 20, 2015 at 6:18 p.m.
After fearing closeness and contact for over half my life, I have a new best friend that I allow myself to reach out to. We hugged and even took a nap together today. It wasn't anything sexual, just two people lying next to each other on a bed. It was comforting to be close to someone and know they were safe.
I deal with depression, anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder, so isolation has been a part of my life since high school. I am now 43 years old and I am finally okay with opening up and letting people in. It's scary but cool.
April 25, 2015 at 7:28 am
I find it very difficult these days to be friendly on a personal level with someone. Not because they leave or die. It's because I'm afraid of being verbally attacked or criticized for the person that I am. That's why I isolate myself a lot. When I long for the way I used to be more confident, I take a chance. In 2008 I met someone through a group I attended. There was an immediate mutual attraction, but we were just friends. By the time I realized it, I was starting to have strong feelings for him. I told him that I was worried about him while talking in a coffee shop. And all he said was, "I know and he looked away." I was immediately hurt and pretended not to have said anything as he changed the subject. One night we talked and we were going to meet in the group and he never told me that he met someone else. I found out during the group! I felt so alone and humiliated but never said a word to him about it and even managed to wish him well later on the phone. Between them it never lasted, but he told me that he just wanted to be friends, but I liked him so much that I did some ridiculous things to try to get him to like me that way again. The problem was that he couldn't even try to hold his hand. Because he was too afraid of getting hurt like in other relationships. (Emotionally/Physically/Sex)
We were friends for a while, but my attraction to him was very strong. One night I called him, to invite him to New Year's Eve, but he was busy and when he called the next day. I ignored your phone calls. A week later I called to see how he was doing and he refused to speak to me. The saddest thing of all is that I still think of him and want to call him again... And since then I can't let anyone get close to me...
As for girlfriends, I had a good friend for 14 years and I started making changes to my appearance and lost some weight. I met a person who was very attractive and was jealous even though she was married. We made an appointment to go out and she didn't show up twice! I talked to her about how I felt and she was apologetic, but when I told her good news she had. She wasn't happy for me. It was at that moment that I realized that she was never a "real" friend in the first place. Although I had struggles in my life and issues with my appearance, she had no problem being my friend, but as she progressed, life became easier. She had no time for me.
After that experience, I started looking at the people I chose as friends and why. And I learned to listen to my true feelings when I talk to someone for the first time, but nowadays it's even more difficult to find a good friend...
April 24, 2015 at 6:38 am
I totally identify with this article. Thank you very much for posting this. It makes me feel less like a weirdo duck.
Tanya J. Peterson, MS, NCC
April 24, 2015 at 11:28 a.m.
At HealthyPlace, we want everyone to know they're not alone—no weird ducks!
Dr. Musli Ferati
Dr. Musli Ferati
October 14, 2013 at 11:05 p.m.
However, the ability to have a large social network indicates a crucial mental health condition. Friends create our social status, the maintenance of which seeks the satisfactory capacity of social skills. Each person has a different relationship model. This fact makes more the type of our relationship with others, even if they are our close friends. On the other hand, the connection with others reinforces our self-esteem, since social isolation presents many emotional sufferings, with disastrous effects on psychosocial health. Therefore, friendship efforts must be carried out through spontaneous and active personal, professional and social actions. This vital activity must be in accordance with the sociocultural characteristics of the social environment where we live and work.
Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
October 20, 2013 at 11:52 a.m.
thank you doctor Ferati!
9 October 2013 at 16:41
I was always afraid of getting too close because every time I did it would hurt me. Things are starting to change, but it's still not good enough. It is true that it is a mechanism to protect myself but also to protect others. I'm not just afraid to get close, but afraid of love in general, afraid of loving and afraid of feeling loved. It's one of the most confusing feelings for me because it feels like a need that I reject. Those who suffer the most from this are my children. I keep them at arm's length so none of us get hurt, but we all suffer nonetheless. During the retreat, you said that Nikky likes to cuddle. I smiled and liked that because he forced me to be one. It is something that still bothers me a lot, although I love it. Losing someone I love is my biggest fear. Loving someone else can feel just as painful. I am learning to believe that I can be loved. I am learning not to hide the love I have from others, but the fear is still there, always.
Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
October 14, 2013 at 6:46 am
I love you!
October 9, 2013 at 1:39 p.m.
Jody, this is great. It helps me see why I want to be around people, but I'm afraid to show my true self. I'm afraid they'll leave or stop loving me or be disappointed or hurt me. So even though I want to be around, I also want to be alone sometimes at the same time, probably when I shouldn't be. Thank you!
Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
October 9, 2013 at 1:53 p.m.
I get it, we all contradict ourselves and it's hard to see what's right in front of our noses. :) xo
October 9, 2013 at 11:39 a.m.
Some people are naturally introverted and are comfortable being alone. So, more often than not, these people deal with their inner turmoil on their own.
And there is some truth to the notion that people generally don't like displays of vulnerability. Even good people will show it.
EVERYONE feels pangs of loneliness from time to time, whether you have a mental illness or not. But it happens.
Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
October 9, 2013 at 1:53 p.m.
I would agree! Thanks for the review Judy!